Dear 5th Floor Missile Launcher

Dear 5th Floor Missile Launcher

Understandably, there are time where nature calls and you just have to go.

That’s fair.

Sometimes, you get bad Mexican food from the taco shop.  And it’s in these moments you understand how Montezuma intended to exact his revenge on the gringo invaders for his untimely death.

Though history is not the issue here.

You’re in a public restroom and it’s your work restroom to boot. Please restrain from sounding like you’re going for the world’s record in the clean and snatch. The fact that I can confuse you heeding nature’s call with a bodybuilder grinding out his last set in the deadlift is troubling. Furthermore, and at the risk of sounding redundant:

You. Are. At. Work.

I am going to clown you if I can ever shoe-match you. It’s not even like our restrooms have a large foyer area.  It’s right next to the hallway.  If I’m walking to the afternoon staff meeting, there is a chance I can hear you imitating Rocky screaming for Adrian.

Here are a few suggestions:
1. Incorporate bran and fruit into your life. The fiber should work immensely and immediately.
2. Keep your moans and groans to your effing self.

Ear gouged and gassed out,

Chris

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